The past few days have been very surreal.

I emerged from Halloween night smelling like pot, beer, and pumpkin, none of which was my fault. I learned to play beer pong [sober] and Jeremy kicked my ass. Eli was on my team - he did the drinking for me.

Today I went into school in a good mood, but before the end of the day, found out that one of my best friends since seventh grade tried to kill himself a few days before hand. He came in and hugged me. Jeff knew, but didn't tell me. It wasn't the best way to find out.

He's okay, but I'm a bit shaken up.

Ashline and I are going to pick up Jeff for Julia Nunes this weekend. We bonded over a four hour conversation in Mountain Mart. It should be interesting.

Why do I try to maintain journals? It never ends up working out.

I got my Oneonta application done because I applied early admission. I need to get reference letters for everywhere else.

Julia Nunes is in a week! I am so excited. I might get Jeff. I'm terrified of driving there.

I think things are starting to go badly. I just have a feeling. I miss him.

I need to write! I really do.

I still have my supplemental applications to do. College essays are retarded.

I applied at thirteen places and nowhere has called me.

We have highspeed internet now! I have downloaded so many movies and so much music, and I've been spending all my time watching every episode of Degrassi. I'm about to start the sixth season.

Jeff visited me the weekend before last! I cried when he left, like I always do. I'm going to get him the weekend of the 7th for Julia Nunes at Canton! I'm so excited.

Today I took a mental health day. I hate school.

Five weeks until Jeff is home for Christmas break! Which also means I'm not far from being halfway done with school! Crazy.

Today I dropped AP Calculus, not because I have any difficulty with it, but because I don't want to do anything. I took out the pile of work I had for it in study hall, looked at it, and thought "I don't want to take this class." So instead I'm taking Local History with Mr. Jarvis this semester, and Creative Writing with Mrs. Sanderson next semester.

Local History was actually kind of fun today. Mr. Jarvis gives us all of the answers and said pretty blatantly that he's giving us an easy A. It's also mildly interesting - at least it might be, once we get past all of the shit about Native Americans.

Tomorrow we have a half day! Which means I'm running straight to the DMV to finally get my full license so I can drive after nine, then I'm going around to apply for jobs. The dining hall at St. Lawrence is my preference, I hope they'll hire me. I like free food and paychecks higher than minimum wage. I'm also going to check out Dairy Queen, P&C, Jrecks, Burger King, Subway, and the movie theater. I'm really, really hoping I don't end up having to apply at McDonalds.

I should be going to the Augsbury North Country Scholar meeting at St. Lawrence tomorrow - they might give me $50,000 a year if I win, and $10,000 a year just for going, but I just really don't want to go to St. Lawrence. No matter how much money they give me. I know I'm SUNY bound - I could do better, but why spend the money? I applied for the Coca-Cola Scholarship today, I'm going to work on the Elks Lodge ones as soon as I get the chance. I'm passing up the Wendy's Heisman one - I'm not really an athlete, even if I've played soccer my whole life.

We picked the yearbook theme yesterday - we're going with a stylized comic book one. I'm pretty excited. If people actually do their jobs well, it's going to be awesome. I'm going to get frustrated and have to revise everything... I want it to be perfect.

Soccer game at EK tomorrow. Every time I'm there, it makes me miss Jeff. I miss his basketball games and sitting with Katie and Raven and other people I barely knew, and I miss cheering him up when he was pissed that his coach wouldn't play him. He's only two hours away, but it's crazy how much I miss him. I get so jealous that he's having fun with his new friends and I'm stuck here being lonely and bored and wasting more of my time at Hermon-DeKalb.

I know I'm going to end up going to Plattsburgh just for him - I shouldn't, and I know it, but I'm going to.

Today is the first day of my first full week of my senior year of highschool.

I didn't go. I've come down with some horrible disease that resulted in not getting any sleep and feeling dizzy every time I try to get up, so driving to school at 7:30 in the morning was definitely ruled out. I went up there around seventh period to get my homework, because I'm determined to actually apply myself this year, and realized that I missed the senior guidance meeting.

Shit.

That means I'm going to have to spend one of my [many] study halls visiting Mrs. Merithew, our less than useful guidance counselor, so she can instruct me on what she thinks I should do with the rest of my life and give me paperwork and things I need for her to screw up my college application process.

I have no idea what I'm going to go into - my plan as of about three days ago was to major in Communications with a focus on Public Relations / Advertising, but I realized [mostly due to Mr. Sanders' 'Senior Seminar' class] that I won't make any money and it's a dying field to go into. I've been thinking about going on to be a post-secondary teacher, I think I'd focus on literature and creative writing. Or maybe foreign languages, if I had the ambition to learn them. I really have no idea.

Tomorrow I'm going to have to talk to her. I have to turn in my application for working papers at the office so I can go and look for jobs in Canton. I have a Whiz Quiz meeting at lunch, and three days worth of AP Calc homework that I am completely lost on.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't get stressed out.